~ A car pulls away from a gas station in the desert dragging tin cans from their strings ~
Dore
- On a random rooftop again, "You know what man ? All those people you
want to be like on Christmas ? Happy happy family and all that
bullshit ? They don't exist. All those fuckers are pretending too.
"Mom's
miserable and under appreciated in the kitchen. Dad's pissed off
because he has to be there at all. Because the fact is all every parent
really wants, is to be alone once in a while.
"Mom
and dad can't stand each other. They thought they could but they
couldn't. The exceptions ? Fucker who really thinks he found 'true
love' ? Fuck that guy. If you met him in the bar you'd want to hit him."
Ghost - "I do wanna hit that guy ... "
Dore - "Every fucking year man. Every fucking year you're moping around for the holidays. Because you can't have something, nobody has.
Like it's a hallmark holiday fucking special starring you as a ho
waiting for some rich fuck to sweep you away in a chariot."
Ghost - "Chariot ?"
Dore - "Fuck off. But if you had all that, do you know what you'd be crying about then ?"
Ghost - "Star Wars sucking so bad ?"
Dore - "This. Rooftops in the middle of the night, with me. Doing whatever you want. When you want to do it. Never having to put on a mask for your kids or a wife. And let me tell you about 'that one guy' who's 'livin' the dream'.
"His wife, is absolutely cheating on him,
with a guy like you. That's a fact my friend. And your wife would be
cheating on you with a guy like me, who knows who's fucking kids these
are now will you please. Take the fucking shot.
"We gotta catch bar time, I am not leaving you alone tonight."
Ghost - A sigh ... "Fine." He takes the shot.
A deep voice booms over ~ "Congratulations. You have survived, Christmas."
Chains
with hooks strike the Times Square X-mas tree, pulling it down onto a
trailer pulled by a APC. The crowd looking like a lot of holiday morons
are held by gunpoint by a bunch of Draugh elves for some reason still
taking themselves seriously.
The tree's star falls from its top as it hits the trailer, Capricorn steps to it dressed like the Grinch, shoots it. The crowd screams in terror ...
~ Praetorians ~
The plane flies over, the jeeps and tank parachute down give pursuit as the tree bearing APC pulls away fast.
They
chase through the streets filled with more holiday morons (i'm serious
man it's like everywhere you look), the full cast and crew through
extended credits).
The chase past them all rages no one seeming
to think their costumes are any different until in the end the trailer
gets blown off the APC.
Capricorn - From the turret, "I'll get you next time Praetorians !"
They prop the now haggard tree back up up again and plug in the broken lights, it bursts into flames. The Praetorians smile ...
~ Santa's Giant Bag of Dicks ~
Lynx and Voice walk through the horrifying mall, past a Grinch in a Christmas display they don't notice giving them the eye ...
In
the clothes store while Lynx looks at a dress and Voice looks really
bored with a sugar high, suspicious Grinch plastered unnoticed to the
window watching ~
Voice - "Bil. Ked."
"Bilked.
"Bilkerino.
"Bilkenstien ...
"Bilkerrifficly and bilkentabulously bilked. Seriously bilked. Hardcore in the alley behind a biker bar bilked. Paying to be bilked. Begging to be bilked.
Lynx - "But ... the tassels ... "
____
The Grinch punches some guy walking by with a puppy and takes it.
Capricorn - Staring through the window stroking the happy puppy, "Yes ... spend Praetorians ... spend ... " He looks at the puppy, puppy yelps back, "I name you Antwerp. For you see ... Antwerp ... the mall ... belongs to Me."
~ Out to the sign on the entry 'The Enemy Mall'.
Evil laughter ...
____
Voice - "New Coke bilked. Deceased character comes back via time travel bilked. Bilked in your soul ... lights out feeling your way in the darkness for bilked. Candle on the windowsill for bilked to come find you. Bilked in the head. Bilked in the bum.
"Spangeing to be bilked. You get me ? Literally half price tomorrow."
Lynx - "Insufferable bitch I want it for the party tonight." Takes it from the rack.
____
Capricorn - Stroking the adoring puppy with evil, "For you see Antwerp, it's a dummy corporation for dummies, they buy dressed to launder where we do.
~ Bark !
Capricorn - "Yah ! That's how we launder the money !"
____
At the register annoying as well the cashier dressed like a family friendly bondage elf ~
Voice - "Build a better bilked. Bob the Bilker. Bilk me baby one
more time. World War Bilk. It's 1952 and the bilkman just delivered
you a fresh bottle of bilk.
"All bilk and no bite.
"The paperboy just delivered the news while riding a bilk. Daddy went to the store for a pack of bilks and he never returned ...
"Bilk came down in a spaceship and fucked up the cow. Bilk signs. We bilk this city on rock and roll. Dude bought a box of Pokemon cards and got a box of GI Joe. Bilked.
"True story.
"Bubble gum bilked. Socks for Christmas. Four out of five parts to Voltron. Born to be bilked. Bilked to the bone."
~ Exiting the store with the bags, Grinch freezes staring side eyed hoping not to be seen ...
Voice - "Bilked in slow-mo. Ooohhhh ... nooooos ... the biiiiillllk ... iiiis .... coooommmmminnnng .... !
...
"Bilk."Lynx - "O my God will you please just shut up."
Voice - "Oh My God. The puppy."
Capricorn - As they adore the happy puppy ... "Um. Yes ! I named him Antwerp."
Lynx - "Awww ... look the little Antwerpy-twerp-twerp." Puffy faced, "You'll be vicious someday."
Bark !
Voice - Looking at the knocked out guy, "I cant believe they let that guy sleep there."
Capricorn - Stroking the puppy of ultimate doom, "Yes Antwerp ... remember that scent and one day, they shall be your ... puppy chow."
Evil laughter booms through the mall ...
Voiced over - Bark !
Capricorn VO - "That's right !"